i realized something today, maybe something that should have occurred to me a long time ago. i have no idea how to make myself happy. i've searched for ways, of course, like any other person would. i've found weed, a temporary solution; sex, another temporary solution. in the end i always seek out people to give me positive energy, to make me happy. making them happy makes me happy. but do i do when i can't make them happy? where do i go from there?

i think this is the eternal question, the reason people are driven to addictions and other unsavory tendencies (or at least one of the reasons). because what is there to do when everything is out of your control? you find the only control you can, in the endless search for detachment.

it makes me think about what DOES make me happy, separate from other people. i guess that would be success and self achievement, but a lot of that happiness comes from positive reinforcement of others.

and then i think about seventh grade, mrs. tibbet's class, watching hannah donoghue drawing a simple doodle. nothing special, just a person's face, but in that moment i started to tear up from the sheer beauty of what people can create. i think that's the first time i ever cried because something was beautiful, because something moved inside of me and my only feasible reaction was to cry. it happens on occasion, but mostly from music now. like listening to the concert band play the first opening lines of ascension from the divine comedy.

i guess what makes me happy are the details. the slivers of light that take years to reach our vision, but eventually illuminate the world. maybe i'll figure out the whole picture some day, and maybe i'll find a source of happiness completely in and of myself. i certainly hope so.

On April 5, 2008, I made myself a 101 in 1001 challenge, which is a list of 101 goals you want to complete in 1001 days. I still have time - my time ends on NYE 2010 - but even from a couple of months in, I realised that my desires were changing, and some goals lost their allure and I found new ones. So I am abandoning this list in favour on one that is a little more pressing:

Things to do before Christmas, 2009
1. Get a haircut
2. Buy Dad's present
3. Wrap presents, write cards
4. Prepare for Christmas concert
5. Let Ian know I have to work on the night of Carols by the Bay
6. Finish organising all the notices, assignments, uni info sheets, etc., that have heaped up on my desk
7. Get a new moisturiser because even scraping it out of the bottle with my pinky just doesn't do it any more
8. Make sure Mum pays me back for my Christmas present from her
9. Purchase professional photos from the leavers' dinner
10. Bake a fruitcake
11. Put up trees at both houses
12. Get $5 Secret Santa present for work